I am at home lazing away, because mr clement's sick, and me too, so we are both sick in our own homes.
Well, I am not exactly sick. Having a bout of tummy cramps (which has since faded) and also muscle ache at my legs. Every step I take is like torture to me can? Sigh. And mr clement's sick because he is having tummy discomfort. Dunno why we both so unfortunate, got sick (sorta) at the same time. I wanted to go over to look for him, but since he sounded so unwilling, and the fact that he may have to entertain me (and so not get any rest) when I get there, I decided to stay put at home and catch up on my reading.
I love holidays, because they give me a time to indulge in all my books. I have been to the library numerous times since my holidays started, so that I can read and read and read. Never have this chance before, during my school days, because everyday I will be so tired, reading is like, the last thing from my mind. So the only time I have to indulge in my past time will be holidays lor. Not to mention that I have a bf who doesn't mind (and likes) going library with me too. :-) We sound like a nerdy couple. :-p
Yup, thinking back on relationship and stuffs, so on... (which is utmost on my mind these days anyway), I do realise that I am a demanding gf to have. LoL~ And mr clement has been very nicely tolerating and accomodating me all these while. Hmm....actually I am rather afriad. And rather scared. I dun even know whether he's the one I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I dun know whether he is indeed, suitable for me. Looking at it from a very practical point of view, there are some things which I can never understand about him, and that I dun really know him that well.
He still dare to tell me that he knows me better than I know him. The thing is, he doesn't divulge much. How am I to know him if he doesn't want to open up right? Hmmm...and the irony of it? Haha. I used to think I am a very closed-up person. I dun like people to know the real me. I am quite protective of myself and all that. After knowing clement, I realise that there's someone who's like me, and worse than me, because even in a relationship, he still doesn't open up. Like this, how to know him??? I can probe and probe...but every little thing I ask about is met with indifference, and brushed away, as if it doesn't matter. Haha. How am I to know right?
I actually told him that I thought he led a very sheltered life, because after hearing all those stuffs my friend was telling me about people my age actually committing suicide and all that, I realised that life and feelings are indeed fragile. Like everything can just change in the matter of months. Hmmm....and mr clement still ask me is it people my age are more vulnerable and all that. Wah. Just because such things are not so unfortunate to befall on people around him, he shouldn't just assume that people my age are very problematic lor. I'm just as sure that people his age also got such problems lor, just that none of them are near his circle of friends and so he doesn't hear of it. His very narrow-minded sense of thinking really irritates me sometimes. Bah~
And this isn't the 1st time he's made the age thing so obvious between us...other time it happens, it's always when I give him attitude and all that. And he just attribute it to "my age" and that I am just being childish and all that. Damn irritating. Sometimes I will just tell him to go ahead and find someone older than me, since he believes that girls his age are more mature and won't throw tantrums and give attitude and all that. Just because he see his da sao like that, he assumes all girls his age are also like that. He only sees the happie side of his da sao and his bro. I'm sure every couple also got their fights lor. And his da sao may have some other habits or what that he doesn't like. Can't he see that? Anyway if he is so sure, why would he even ask me be his gf in the 1st place right? Like when he first got to know me, he didn't know that I am younger than him meh?!
Come to think of it, I am still quite angry when I think of all these. Bah. Sometimes I just attribute everything to the fact that he's very sheltered, which he firmly denies and argues with me over it too. So dilemma. And then he told me stuffs which I never knew, mixing around with drug addicts and all that. -_- Then he say because he has done that, he's not that sheltered lor. Then I just told him I never knew about all these...just because he never told me. And he said there wasn't an occassion to bring it up. Need occassions one meh. His soccer betting and the car-craze, also got no occassion, he still brought it up and told me all about it. Bah.
I dunno lar. I'm getting irritated with his narrow-mindedness and his way of thinking. Together with the fact that he doesn't share a lot of himself with me, I feel like I am just with a buddy sometimes. Very fun, crap, laughter and all that, and add a bit of intimacy, that's us. Bf and gf. We don't have any things that are of importance that we share or anything like that. Neither do we have any shared passions or dreams or whatsoever. What lies between us? I also dunno leh.
So confused. I used to think that I need an older guy, because I thought an older guy is more matured and will thus suit me better. Oh, and I thought if he's university-educated, probably more stable and all that. How wrong can I get. The older guy I have is not as matured (by my standards) and in some sense, still unable to plan for his own future. And since whatever I say is of no significance to him (since I am sooo young), I am hoping that for his own good, his colleagues can drill some sense into him. Argh. I give up man. His colleagues have more influence over him than me. bleah~
Haiz. Ok lar, I hope from next post onwards, will be happier stuffs between me and mr clement. we are going for chalet soon and KL too..maybe spending more time together and talking things through will give us a better idea of the relationship. We have not much time for serious business, either out for movies and shopping, if not, none at all, even at his house, got his bro and mom...will be talking to them more than having time for ourselves...so like totally dun have time like that.
Time...so precious! I dun wish for end of December to come...haha...
cheers~
holiday-mood-jesslyn
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 4:06 PM
