I went out today, not with the guy in question, but with my good friend. And I realised a lot of things, after talking to her. That's what good friends are for... :) Love ya, gal!
Yup. So right now I know that I am NOT as mature as I think I am, and I have a habit of dragging things too far because all the while I will be waiting for miracles to happen. And to this, I have my good friend to thank because if not for what she has told me (in a desperate bid to wake me up?) I think I shall just continue with my little philosophies whatsoever.
Actually these few days are officially my "girl-friends day". Haha. On Sunday I went out with my JC click to celebrate one of the girls' birthday, and very coincidentally, I met my 1st 3 months JC FRIEND! She was my goodest friend during the 1st 3 months, however we have been drifting like mad ever since we enter uni. So glad to see her, she was doing some roadshow and happened to spot me. Heh~ And so we are going to date each other next week! So happie... :)
And then on Monday I went over to my good friend's house for a visit. She's going overseas tomorrow (which is today) so I have to see her lar! If not never see her then she go liao have to wait till after christmas lor. (which is darn long!) And she's the one who woke me up from all my little philosophies. Haha.
Then tomorrow (aka today actually since it's already past midnight) I will be meeting another of my friend! My primary/secondary/jc/uni friend! Imagine that! LoL~ We were from the same class in primary school for 6 years straight...then went on to the same secondary, JC and now we are both in NTU. Haha~ We had even been colleagues for a short while, selling mobile phones. Haha. But that's in the past liao. Both of us are now "struggling" in uni now lor. Heh~
One last happy thing before I dwell upon my current r/s situation.
I found my Jack-Jack Holder!!!!!! So happie so happie! My mom walked past JE today and saw it on sale, so she called me and asked if I wanted it. OF COURSE! Haha. Been looking for it for so long, and ever since I realised that MacDonald's doesn't really sell everything in sequence. Haha. So my very wei3 da4 mom bought the EVM, and then the Jack-Jack Holder! It's still in its plastic, I shall clear my table and make room for it, then take it out. Must treasure it well mah. :)
So, I think I am quite xin4 fu2 after all! I am glad I still have my girl friends with me (especially my 2 good friends) and they are the ones who wake me up when I fall too deeply. ;) Or help me analyse my r/s woes. Okay. I think I have plenty of it these days. *wonders if it's a ritual or what* And of course a wonderful mom whom I know will always be there for me.
Yup. Anyway. I have come to realise that, for the case of Mr Clement, I guess I need not fret too much, worry too much, think too much or even, bother at all. That's because, there were so many obvious hints! After telling my good friend about all those stuffs regarding him and me throughout this year, I suddenly see a clearer picture of it all. I mean, blogging can only do so much, maybe I need to talk it out and talk it loud to realise what is happening. And I realise long bus rides do the trick, in helping me piece everything together.
And I guess I'm on my way to Heartbreak Hotel. Seriously. That's because of everything that's been happening, it made me realise and see who he is for himself. My good friend said before, that there's no way I can make him change for me. I am the one who has to change. And if I dislike changing, there's no way he would change. That's because no one can change another if that "another" doesn't want to.
And no, I don't think I need changing, that's because for most part of everything, I believe I have been accomodating enough and compromising in certain stuffs. I don't throw tantrums at him, I guess I give him attitude. -_- Or else I just keep it in myself and then blow up in a blog. Actually this blog is the one thatI blow up in. Haha...because he doesn't know of this blog, and I have every intention never to let him know. ;) I do keep a blog for him, and I used to write things I am not happy about inside the blog. Somehow when I am not happy I don't really know how to tell him face-to-face. I guess I prefer to just put it in words (print) rather than talk it out. He told me that I keep to blog to complain about him. -_- He thought I was self-centered, selfish and all that. I didn't create that blog with that intention actually. I thought that because I am so no-good with everything face-to-face, I thought it would be better to have an outlet elsewhere for him, so that whenever I am not happy and refuse to say anything, he can go to the blog for the answers he craves.
However since it defeats the purpose with his kind of narrow-minded thinking, I have ceased bothering to even write my displeasure in that blog. Felt kinda hurt when he told me about my being self-centered and all that. I guess that's how he sees everything, and so, I refuse to bother now. -- Hint numero uno.
And all along, all those meetings with friends, all those outings with friends, he has never brought me along, even though "girlfriends were there" (quoted by the Guy in Question) So I guess that's how important I am? Hmmmm~ It seldom mattered to me, though I did think of want to meet his friends, especially after he has met mine. Everything is supposed to be 2-way, isn't it? Add on the fact that whenever he sees his friends he drops my hand like as if it's something so awefully dirty. What more can I say?-- Hint numba too.
Okies, then friends were 1 thing, family is a seperate issue. He doesn't even bother bringing me back, just because I once mentioned that his house very ulu (really mah). And plus also the wedding thing. Grrrr. I absolutely dunno what to say. And everytime he asks me over, he gives me the option NOT to go over...and then usually a bout of "analysing" later, he will tell me it's better for me not to turn up at his place. Ok lor. I don't go over lor. But as we all know, guys who are not that enthu about bringing the gf home, you know what it means lar. Isn't it? This time round I had to insist that I go. If not, he was saying "have to meet my brother and da sao, and the whole family leh. you ready or not. not ready another day also can." He already sound so demoralising. Bleah~ -- Hint numbo tree.
Right. And then I guess things are not as good as it was in the past. In the past, we would chat over the phone every night. Even when we already met up that day. We would still chat at night. Right now, it's once after many many nights. And no, it's not because we met up liao. It's because I will insist and so he will do it. Yup. It's been like these, ever since my exams ended. But I don't feel like asking him everynight whether he wanna chat or not. And so I selectively ask. And out of the selective days, he will tell me he's too tired and not want to chat. Hm. In the past, when he wanted to chat, he would let me know that he's tired (very early) and that we should chat earlier that night. Right now, he's too tired, so no more chats lor. Simple as that. Is it an obvious enough hint? -- Hint number 4.
Out of all these, I realised that, probably throughout these few months (or probably the year), everything he has been doing, was just because I asked him to do. I will tell him I want this, or I want that, and as long as he feels he can fulfil my demands, he will do it. He will do everything I ask, because he feels that by doing so, he can make me happy. I realised that too, and I think it's not a good thing. That's because if he will only do things when I ask, then if I don't he will never do it. Which means it's not something within his character and not in him. That isn't a guy I want. I want a guy who will do things for me just because he wants to and only because he wants to, not because I have asked and he feels obligated to do it just to make me happy. Such happiness doesn't last. I know it for now, because surrounding me are all those things he bought for me. And yet I don't feel any happier having all those things. Now I know the meaning of "Happiness cannot be bought".
That's why right now whenever I come across things I find cute, and he insist on buying, I will tell him NOT to buy. I no longer see any point in it, because, I know I won't be anymore happier having those stuffs than not having those stuffs. No point wasting money right?
And I have come to realise that, I am not the most important person in his life. To him, I will always be number 3, after his family and work. Or number 4, if you count his friends in. When I told him he's number 1, he quickly changed his priorities too. How lame is that right? LoL~ At that time I still thought that it was nice of him to change (silly me) and was feeling oh-so-important like that. So stupid of me!
I have been centering him around my life (for most of the time) until I realised that, it's always me who's accomodating to him, not the other way around. He will only take leave to accompany me because he is sian of working, not because he wanna accompany me. And because of that I have to accompany him since he always say he took leave specially for me. Yeah right. *roll eyes* And yet when his colleagues ask him to go outings/tours, he will gladly take leave and run off with them. I feel used...bleah~
And the best part of everything, is probably his unwillingness to show his committment for me. I realise, even his sweet talk is more like the politically correct talk so as to make me happie. Yah. He is forever thinking he will make me happie by doing certain things and saying certain things. And in the end I feel like I dun really know him. Hm~ His politically correct talk? Whenever I ask him about what he plans for his future. It will be to earn lots of $, save lots of $, buy car, and after somemore prompting, will be to "give me a good wedding". Wahaha. I don't believe in it right now. It's politically correct mah. And then after that he will smile and ask whether am I happie to hear that. LoL~ Yah. If a girl hears this kind of thing (marrying part lar) from a guy she loves, of course happie to hear lar. If not how? Be so sad meh?
All his actions/words are too deliberate. I cannot take it liao!!! -_-
He told me that I don't know him well enough, because he was making a comment about some guy going for another girl (even if he is married) because his wife's sexual skills are not good enough. What the hell. And so I just insist that he will be the one who will do that, isn't it? And so he says I don't know him well enough. Now that I realise that everything has been deliberate, the relationship has been deliberate, so what's anything to know about him? I don't know, because all he does is deliberately trying to make me happie. Yah I know making me happie is a good thing, but hey, if it has to become like this I think not.
And then he says that he knows I will always be there for him, and that's why no matter how many guys come after me, he knows I won't just leave him like that. On 1 hand, it's Great! He trusts me! Yayyy. On the other hand, it seems like he has taken me for granted. As long as he says some sweet nothings and buy me things, I will definitely stay right? Won't run away because he has told me he loves me and wants to always be with me. Hmmmmmmm~ I am not a 3-yr-old little girl any longer. There's a thin line between trust and taking for granted, and actually I am not sure what to think. Hmmmm~
I used to get so taken in over everything and was sooooo BLIND to everything. Bah. 1 and half years into the r/s, I finally see some light. Quite fortunate eh? I am not materialistic (that I know long ago. haha) and I am actually beginning to be realistic for once, instead of hoping for a miracle. I used to think that things will get better as time passes and when we are in this r/s longer. However it dawned on me that maybe nothing will get better even after many years have passed.
And it's funny how my friends were reacting to my talking about weddings recently. Okay, I really find weddings kinda sweet and I have been seeing so many of it this whole entire year! LoL~ It's quite interesting to know all the customs/traditions that go along with it, and for me, it boils down to one thing.... Troublesome. LoL~
And no, I am not in a hurry to settle down whatsoever. I know what I want in a guy, and unless I can find everything I want in a guy, I won't settle for less. Haha~ Come to think of it, after seeing Clement's da sao and his brother, I realise all the ups and downs in a r/s and all those courtship just boils down to this: getting married. Probably married life is different from being in a relationship, but I guess the courtship is gone and all that. To me, everything seems bland after that. Come to think of it. For a married couple, they will lead seperate lives in the day, and then go home to each other at night. And they will probably be so tired that just a little chat and then they will fall asleep. The next morning, both will wake up and will probably be rushing to work and so, they start leading their own seperate lives. This cycle will continue on and on. Possible scenario? Absolutely.
And so I actually harboured the idea of having a forever bf rather than a husband. Wahahaha~
Cheers~
Realistically Jesslyn
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 1:54 AM
