I've been trying to write my attachment report lately...and it's kinda surprising how many things I have done in the short 4 months of work.
I've been a personal assistant, a secretary, a purchaser, a technician, and now lately, I am IT-support.
So stylo right! Muahaha. It's kinda funny how much one can do when manpower is so limited. But I guess all these adds variety to an other-wise boring office job bah. Quite glad that I had the chance to do so many things...except that it's really the people that made me feel rather sian.
Like my sup alwiz says...people leave their superior, not the company. If the superior is good, people are more than willing to stay. But if the superior is no good, people are just waiting for the right time to run. I believe this is what's happening to a lot of people in office too...the turn-over rate is just too high lar...
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Anyway I lately got a brand new computer, installed a 160GB hard disk so that I can play games like no one business...but now it seems like it's new, and I don't feel like doing anything to tarnish it. Isn't that weird? It's like when you buy something new you tend to keep it and keep it...until the day you buay tahan anymore and you boh bian have to use it.
Now I still can't bear to install all sorts of crap...argh. How how how...silly me...
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As for relationship stuffs...things are really weird and odd. I guess it's after he went overseas and came back with all those things, I suddenly felt the urge to tell him what I feel.
And what I felt was nothing very promising...maybe now he knows that he loves me even more...but I felt that I didn't love him as much already. I've been keeping it to myself for the past 2 months or so...because I didn't know what to tell him.
Suddenly it became clear already...and I felt like I have to tell him, because if I don't, it would be really selfish on my part. And so I did. We spent like 2 hours talking...
In actual fact, I lost all my feelings for him somewhere along the way...and it all started because I was naive. I always thought we would be together...now and forever...that sort of thing, and even though he isn't the type to give promises, I thought he will one day tell me that. However, one fine night we were chatting, and I asked him about his future (Or our future?) and all his answer was really just he, himself, and him. And I asked whether did anything included me...he said no...That broke my heart...I didn't know why either, but that's what I felt after what he said. From that minute onwards, I felt like I had been shaken awake from a little dream of mine...a dream where me and him will be happily ever after and all.
I was sad for a while...well, probably 1 whole night...I remembered that night I kept crying...non-stop. I even awoke in the middle of the night and felt tears running down...that was how bad it was. Thinking back, it's really odd, because it was not as if we broke up or what. But maybe it's that rude awakening for that dream I had with me for the past 1 yr plus...that really shook me deeply.
But the next morning, all was okay. Everything was back to normal. I met him, and we were back to normal. I didn't let him know of the reason, although he did know I cried. It was the point where I started drifting away from him.
I no longer yearned to meet him during his off-days. I no longer thought of calling him or asking him to call me. I no longer enforced my rule of chatting once a day. I no longer thought of him as someone I see in my future too. It was from then on, I decided to take things between us day by day. And as days go pass...his presence in my future diminished as well. I no longer thought of him already...
The last straw came when he insisted on going Aussie. "Go lor," was what I thought. I no longer thought of dissuading him from going. In fact, for once, I was quite happy to see him go. That gave me time to think things through.
And think things through I did. I thought of him and me, our future...getting married and all. I couldn't imagine that at all, and I even thought if we get married, ROM will do...who cares about the tradiational wedding dinner and all. And then on further thinking, I realised I didn't want to marry him at all. I can't imagine living with him for the rest of my life...
It's weird, because at this point in time, I am drifiting away like crazy, he comes along and tell me we'll be together...always. He kept telling me I will be his future XXXX and that he wish he could have me by his side always. And not to mention, the gifts he brought home from his Aussie trip. And that was when I told him all that had been going through my head these few months.
For once, I was calm. I wasn't the naive Jesslyn anymore. I finally tasted the feeling of broken-heartedness, and I finally understood that some things cannot be made to order. I wanted his committment and his promise, but he couldn't give it to me. I wanted his assurance that he will be around always...but he couldn't give it to me. He couldn't give me all I wanted...and yet I was silly enough to stand by him for so long.
But just when I have packed and I'm ready to leave, he came along and gave me all I ever asked for, and more. How? Do I take the chance to try? Or do I leave him as he is and go?
The feelings are still there, although not as strong as before. I don't feel safe enough to open up to him anymore...my defenses are up this time, and it's like a fortress, because I know he's trying his best to get to me...yet I feel like I'm on the inside listening, but there's no stirring within me to want to go to him.
I told him truthfully, all that's been going on. And all the turmoil within me. He finally realised. And he finally understood. Things that used to matter to me (friends, relatives) no longer do. I am not bothered by whether I meet his friends or relatives or even family or not. Now I just want my time to do my things, my space to do my things, my freedom to do my things. I feel like he's just someone "extra" in my life...this time round. (I felt like the "extra" in his life...for a long time already)
He wants to win me back. He wants me to fall for him all over again. And he just wants to have this chance to do so. I am willing to give him that chance, I am willing to be won over too. I want to fall for him all over again...to know that, this time it's for real.
Time will tell whether he succeeds. :)
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 9:51 PM
