through Sex and the City.
Hahaha. I just finished the Season 2 today, and I think it seems so relevant to my own relationship!! And I do see a similarity between me and Carrie! We both have non-commital boyfriends! Isn't it an irony, to watch something on tv just to realise that you actually almost have the same situation in real life. Hmmm~
Ah well. I think relationships are a big headache. Don't have, worry that you can't find anyone. When you found someone, then you worry whether he's THE ONE. And when you are sure he's THE ONE, you also have to be sure whether you are HIS ONE. When you both are sure about each others' ONE, you worry whether there will be OTHER ONEs. And when you just so happened to meet someONE else, you end up thinking that this ONE may not be the ONE after all. And so the insecurity sets in and all that questioning of whether the ONE is the ONE or not...And then the vicious cycle goes on.
Gee...why can't love and relationships be simple?
Boy meets girl,
Girl meets boy,
Boy falls for girl,
Boy goes after girl,
Girl falls for boy,
Boy asks girl to be wife.
Girl agrees,
And they live happily ever after.
This is a really fairy-tale-resque story. But nothing of that sort ever happens. Or even if that happens, the probability is very low because it hasn't happen around me. Haha.
Well, I realise that when it comes to relationship stuffs, I like to counsel people. So strange, because in the past I had never been through relationships before and I can counsel people until they break already also can patch up. Gee...I'm a good preacher only, because I don't practise what I preach. And I find that I have a very stubborn streak within me especially when it comes to relationships. Like I know what's clearly wrong but I refuse to acknowledge its existence. I know what I should do but I just refuse to do it. It's an inner motivation I guess.
Now I've been through a relationship of my own, I don't think I am fit to counsel other people about their relationships already. I see the world in a different light, maybe I'm more cynical about love and relationships? No wonder in the past I was positive that break already also can patch. And even if don't patch, also must talk it through...like a closure. Now ah, if someone tell me they broke up, I will simply say it's probably because you are not the right one. And he has spent enough time trying to figure you out.
Sometimes I wonder if clement had been figuring me out during the times we were together. Likewise, I've been figuring him out. Hmm...I think if he had been figuring me out, it should be easy. I feel like an open book in front of him. And that makes me feel so vulnerable I guess. It also probably stems from the fact that I think if I want to love, might as well love properly and give my all. But with that also came my expectations of him, which fell short.
Actually my main gripe about his is just that he can't seem to commit to me. Hmmm...okie, I guess it's not anyone's fault bah. He needs to take his time, I need to give him time, and I shouldn't rush him. But after 2 years he's still telling me the same shit. I can't take it lar...and the fact that he isn't very proactive in trying to integrate me into his family ain't helping at all. Sometimes, I feel angry. Sometimes, I feel sad. And most of the time, I just feel very hurt.
And I think I have been surrounded by too many guy friends who are so fantabulous to the girls they fancy that I am so envious. I envy the girls, the objects of my male friends' affection. Don't they realise how lucky they are? Just like a friend and his gf. His mom clearly objected to their relationship at first, to the point of making sure she doesn't turn up anywhere near the house during Chinese New Year. Yet, 6 months later, she's staying over at his place every weekend and his dad will fetch her to and from school, fetch her to and from airport whenever necessary. His mom has completely accepted her and she's like family now.
So envy.
I don't expect clement's parents to love me to the core, but oh well, maybe I just want to feel accepted? Don't like the feeling of being treated like a stranger whenever I turn up at his place lar...I feel awkward and I feel weird. And clement isn't an exactly very supportive too. Gee.
So dilemma-ish.
Oh, my guy friends. I have concluded that all guys operate the same way. Haha. The very first girl which they seriously like will have long-lasting effects on the guy. I think at least 3 of my guy friends were like that. Haha. Oh, and I don't mean 1st girlfriend ok. Just the 1st girl. According to statistics, the first girl can actually make a guy do the silliest things and spend the most time and effort on her. And the guy can ignore and deflect all other advances by other girls no matter how good looking the other girls are. And the guy only has eyes for that one and only girl. And of course, most of the time that one and only girl will not like the guy lor. And the guy will continue to spend time and effort and money just to make her like him.
And this kind of girl, will cause the guy to be unable to get over her for at least 2 years.
Trust me. Haha.
A friend, 3 years and counting, still not over her.
Another, 4 years later, then got over her.
Another, 2 years later then get over her.
So it's safe to say that my statistics are correct! Wahahaha.
As for clement? He became a monk after that GIRL. Aka close all eyes to all the other girls, only bio the girls, but never make any move.
I just feel that how come I not so lucky to be some guy's object of major affection.
Then again, I will be like all those girls, who don't know how to appreciate a guy who worships you. Hehe. It's a cruel world out there, I must say.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
HRM paper is purposely sabo people today. All tutorial case studies! Sheesh~ Even better, MCQ got 2 questions exactly the same one. Nothing really concrete from the textbook. Was half expecting a case study which we have to analyse and apply motivational theories that sort of thing. However, turns out to be based on Donald Trump in the Apprentice and some trade union stuffs. Both are tutorial case studies! Sigh. Luckily I managed to get the slides from my friends last night and read it on the way to school today.
I had almost thought of skipping it because I thought my organisational culture was more important. Haha.
I'm lucky!!! Anyway I remembered some stuffs only, which is okay anyway because I spent the 2 hours plus writing non-stop. Write until my hands hurt and fingers were so stiff! Usually not so used to writing non-stop as most of my modules are calculation-based rather than essay. Haha.
This paper should be able to pass, with the project, I'm looking at a B at least. I hope.
Anyway won't fail is very very good! Done with this torturous module that has garnered a lot of bad karma over the semester. Haha.
Have to make my fyp sup happy in the holidays for neglecting the fyp so much!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oh, and clement dropped by this afternoon to drop me lunch. Such a sweetie. I was right, he can be so good, and yet he can be so bad. Hahaha. But I only like him when he's good. :) He had no car to drive, so he took cab to the Mac's near my place and bought me lunch so that I won't go hungry during the paper.
In a sense he knows me quite well! Haha. Actually I also know him quite well! Because when he started to ask what time I'm going school, what I'm doing, I sort of suspected he was up to something already. But since he got no car to drive (his bro usually takes the car on weekdays), I doubt he would come over to my place lor.
But in the end he still appeared. Haha. Plus points for that I guess. :) Anyway after I finished eating I asked him if he would accompany me to Boon Lay before he goes home. And he agreed! So we took the long bus ride from my house to Boon Lay, and I got him to read me my lecture notes. I remember faster when someone reads to me. Hehe. So he went through my notes with me during the journey lor.
Yup, and he waited with me for 179 before he left. I think today's a good day! Everything was okay! I wasn't late for exam, I managed to do my paper (with ease I guess), and whatever he read to me came out! That was the best part. :)
And right now, at 2AM, he's stucked in office because he's on night shift today.
If he didn't come over, he probably had more time to sleep so that he can work. But he chose to sacrifice a bit of sleep just to make sure I'm fed and safe in school. I feel happy!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So, the heart and the brain are still in contradiction. Hehehe.
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 1:54 AM
