I was reading this when I suddenly realised what has been missing for so long.
And I also understood why things that used to matter to me in the past, no longer does anymore. It is not because I have begun to accept it. It is just that, all these things simply do not matter anymore. Why it had matter so much to me in the past, I really don't know either.
Oh well, I feel that pang of wistfulness after reading it...and I guess, my brain went on a non-stop thinking mode again.
My previous post about my personality says that I'm idealistic. I think I really am. Gee. I like everything to be ideal, everything to be good....and smooth-sailing? I mean, let nature takes it course but somehow I hate waiting for nature to take its time that I want to grab nature's hand and pull it along.
That is what's with me now. I remembered in one of the past conversations I had with clement about wanting to save up together for our future. In the end nothing came out of it. I remembered discussing about getting a flat together. In the end nothing came out of it. Okie I sound like some woman desperate to get married or settle down, but I don't think I am very desperate.
I'm just being practical and idealistic, just being me.
And my practical thinking tells me if we don't start now we will never be able to afford a a flat. Or any future to talk about.
Oh well, but he wants to wait till I graduate first.
And my practical thinking limits me to dating a guy for a max of 3 years before moving on. Hahaha. And my idealistic case is to date for 5 years max before marrying.
So there I am, practical and idealistic and that is going to cost my relationship.
But I feel like I won't want to wait for nature to take its course. I scared it will be too late by then. Haha.
And so I tried to rush things forward...just to face strong resistance in the end.
Who am I kidding...why would he want a future with me right? I am still studying, still like a kid to him, still dependent on him, still very young. Why would he want to contemplate the future with me where he will have to provide everything right?
He could jolly well find some other girl near his age who is of age to get married with a career and enough money to share a house with him. That and more...give him babies, build a family. Right NOW.
All these I cannot give him. Because I'm too young, because I'm studying, because I have no contribution to the future he envisions.
I see saving together as a very good headstart to our future. He thinks otherwise. I think getting a flat early will save us a lot of trouble in the future. He thinks otherwise. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really rushing things. But I don't think so. If after a year there's still no sign of wanting to settle down, then what's the f-ing point of staying together? I also cannot understand myself.
1st year not possible, must get to know each other. 2nd year is probably a good time to think and plan, but its okay if nothing comes out, but planning together will be good eh? And 3rd year is hopefully, the time where plans become reality. And so the 3 year limit goes.
I realise that if a couple have a common goal in mind, 90% of the time they stay together.
A couple that plans together grows together.
A couple that grows together stays together.
Is it true or am I being too idealistic again eh?
Of the relationships I've seen broken up so far...I realised it still boils down to this.
He can commit, but isn't willing to share...so they broke up.
He can commit, willing to share...but fail to plan, so they broke up.
He can commit, willing to share, willing to plan, yet they still broke up.
The main reason is that they failed to grow together. And all these relationships are long-lasting ones...around 4 years +++?
See...somehow everything ended because as a couple they have different priorities for their own relationship. I guess mine are different from clement's too...if not I won't be typing all these now lor. Haha.
And why am I holding on? It's because I have faith in him. He told me he will try his best in our relationship. And once again I brought up all those above-mentioned matters. He said he's willing to look into it.
Oh but I think that was then. I dunno about him now. I think he has forgotten everything he said on that night.
Gee. Who am I kidding right? Nevermind. 3 years and nothing, I will move on.
This is a promise to myself. :)
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 7:22 PM
