It's quite funny, sometimes once in a while I will get a bit nostalgic and then think of all the past stuff that happened. The boy is right about me...I always like to remember the past and especially, the unpleasant unhappy past. Labels: dreams, my life, rants, relationships
This has been pretty difficult for him because he always have to bear the brunt of all my wonderful memory of unpleasantries. Best of all is that I tend to remind him, time and again. And especially whenI'm not happy with him I will definitely remind him. This is not healthy, but I have been trying to control so much already but still to no avail. It has decreased a lot but still, I tend to remind him time and again.
Sometimes I wonder why am I such a person. I feel like I'm this totally horrid person when I'm around him. Which sucks, because I don't want to be a horrible person. I want to have a nice, happy relationship, I want to feel happy about being together with him and I want to feel happy about our future together. However everytime I want to do that, something will always hold me back. Like I want to appreciate him for being so sweet, then the "evil" part of me will step in and say, "he should be doing that! He let you down so badly in the past". So on and so forth.
And sometimes I feel totally negative about getting hitched. Like why he didn't want to get hitched earlier. Why he want to wait until so old. Why he didn't spare more thought for my feelings when he said all those hurtful words. Why why why? I also have no idea.
Anyway I have been through all these with him many many times, I think he should be hurt until numbed or something. I feel like the "evil" part of me is doing her utmost best to hurt him back, just like the way how he hurt me in the past.
I'm this kind of dilemma-ish until I also cannot tahan myself. -_-!!
Being in a relationship should be bringing out the best in both of you right? However I feel like I'm at my very worst when I am with him. Grrrr. How ah. How to change that cynical part of me into non-cynical again?!
Even like this evening while I was on the bus home and I was feeling totally negative, like being in a relationship for so long then no point getting hitched, because everything is still the same right? Anyway I have always felt that an ideal time to settle down is after being bfgf for 3 years. I think 3 years is the magic time line la. Anything more than that is too long. Anything less is too short. So I have always held this 3 year deadline in high regard.
Anyway to make the long story short, the 3 year mark came and I was still stuck in the relationship with no result. Ask him, he also cannot give me any answer. That marked the most frustrating period and really down period of my life.
And he did that not once, but twice to me.
2nd time round I was almost ready to leave. Almost. If not for the fact that we got to attend a friend's wedding together, I would have probably left him there and then.
Anyway I always felt like being taken for a ride. Which makes it very frustrating.
Fast forward to 2008. We actually managed to successfully ballot for the house. Which is a good thing if we are happy in love. But we were not.
Or to say, I am not.
I don't know when I ever will be. Always felt like he's been taking his own sweet time in regards to matters like this. If I never go and "blow" him, he probably won't bother with anything at all. -_-!!!
And I always feel like what's keeping us together is just the house and nothing more. It's scary to think like that because now the house has become our focal point of staying together, rather than the fact that we are in love, we understand each other and we want to be together.
He doesn't understand why I am still so negative, in fact he feels like he has done a lot for me, for this relationship. But I think he doesn't know what I truly want. I want him to come to me on his own accord, to actually show that he did give some thought into everything. I feel like now I'm still the controller, doing stuff...hinting him on...guiding him on.
I'm so tired of it all. And sometimes I just wonder if it's okay if I just give it up. I don't wish to battle within myself anymore. That feeling sucks. And everytime I look at him I really don't know what to do. I have the angel and the devil fighting inside me. And I am irritated by the fights going on until I just want to ignore them.
I think the problem arose because we were both heading in different directions. I looked upon the relationship as a means to an end. He looked at the relationship not to have an end. Just a mean. Maybe in the first place we both had our problems but were oblivious to it.
I know he will be a good husband, because he's already a very good boyfriend. I just need to get over this mental block of mine. I don't know how am I going to because the devil inside me is stick-in-the-mud and refusing to let the angel reason.
And here I am, still fighting a huge fight within myself. Which he cannot understand. He probably just think that I'm the one who insist on dwelling on it (which is not), and he has already given up trying to fight that devil. But I need his help badly...if only he knew. :(
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 8:32 PM
