Feeling a sense of deja vu here...
It seems that every time exams comes around, I feel the same old stuffs all over again.
Too bad, no way to block it out. Sometimes I let it overwhelms me, other times I try to ignore its mere existence.
Are women so much more vulnerable than men?
Are men so much more emotionally stronger?
Can someone teach a person how to be emotionally strong?
Seems like I never learnt my lesson after all these years. Sheesh~
Feeling so much, but refusing to let it out. Afraid to get hurt, to be stripped bare once more. And for that once more, vulnerable another time. Once bitten, always shy.
Blocking and ignoring this is not a means to an end. It's just a mere fantasy which will disappear one day.
Refusing to acknowledge its existence is going to wreck its havoc one day too.
Gee...it's hard to decide isn't it?
Took 2 damn long years to get to what it is now. Will it need to take another 2 long years to go back to what it was?
I seriously don't know.
Will it be easier to start afresh with someone else new?
Yet, after all that ups, downs and the hurt, it ain't easy to walk away...
It's just so easy to stay on and give it another chance.
But after countless chances, it will drain out all patience and efforts too...
Apatheticism.
Waiting for the higher being up there to show me the light. Haha.
我曾经爱上一个不能完全爱我的人。
走着两条无法相插的路，好辛苦。
当他终于能够爱我的时候， 已经太迟了。
我再也不是个单纯的小女生了。
那个相信单纯的爱的我，已经不再相信了。
那个相信天长地久的我，也不再相信了。
现在， 若是曾经拥有，也足够了。
我是个被爱的女人，自己却不懂怎么去爱了。
真的好悲。
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 11:11 AM
I seem to be plagued by computer woes this semester. -_-
How suay can. My comp is down already. Cannot even start Windows. Jeez...I suspect it's corrupted already lar....
Sigh. Just in time, got exams so no more computer for me. But I have my lappie!! LoL~~~
Well, maybe just no more War Craft III...hooked to it now...of all times. Hahaha.
I think I shall just survive on my lappie for now. My sister shall play with her iPod nano lor.
That girl is so rich can!
Bleah~~
I realise I've been blogging random stuffs...ie. stuffs that just pop into my mind nowadays. It's just like me, so random these days too! Hehehe.
Oh I met a friend kinda frequently last week! So funny. Hahaha. Well, the thing is, I used to like him wayyyyy back in Sec. 3. My 1st major infatuation sia...haha. And I dropped so many hints until I think only a blind/emotionless/stupid person then will don't know lor... lol.
Ah well, for 2 days in a row I met him mah, so we chit-chatted a bit. 2nd day I saw him in the canteen again, so went up to say 'hi', and then his first sentence? "Wah, you stalking me ah? How come always see you." I want to pengs already!!! Chey, who wanna stalk him...lol. But of course we both know it's crap, so talk crap for a while, till my friend arrived.
Anyway it's quite funny, because before these 2 days, the last time I met him was at school library, when I was registering for my IA lar. He happened to see me, so he sat beside me to use the computer. So we were chatting about how he failed his subjects and forgot to register for it again. So stylo! Haha. And he even asked whether I have a boyfriend. lol~ So funny! So I ask him whether he got girlfriend or not also lor...stay hall sure have one mah... :P
Yup, met him these few times in school, but always forgot to exchange numbers. Have to wait until the next time we "happened" to meet again lor. I don't mind having another lunch partner, though he's an ex-crush. Haha. Anyway we were both in the same JC but only hi-bye friends, and chit-chatted awhile.
Come to think of it, very coincidental! My sec 3 and sec 4 crushes (yah i change crushes every year) both went to the same JC as me and went to the same Uni in the same course! Hahaha...I saw my sec 4 crush sometime back, but he's like a casanova lor...surrounded by girls. Ah well, who am I to comment? He's always been a girl magnet mah. Oh well, but back in JC he already had a girlfriend, mewonders whether they are still together now...
Anyway enough of these crushes. Haha...they are my long-time-ago likes. Now I only have eyes for tree-trunk!! Wahahaha~ Till now I still get that "rush" when I think of him. Haha...and the heart will go pom pom tiao!! I sighted him twice this semester...but none after that....
Maybe good things come in 2s? (same as with my sec 3 crush lor) Haha.
But I still wish I can see tree trunk!! Haha. :) Now I got put foundation to school eh! Partly to cover my pimples and partly because I wanna use up the foundation!! I have 2 brand-new foundation which I haven't use leh. Oh, but then, see tree trunk, then will have nicer skin = more confidence in myself = won't run and hide = heart won't pom pom tiao so fast!
Hahaha. So funny. Actually today when I was going home from school I was wondering if I will get to meet tree trunk again. The last time I met him on the bus was also around 5 on a Thursday mah. :) And I was even thinking if I do meet him I shall go with the cheesy line "请问这里有没有人坐？"(is there anyone sitting here?) Then I can talk crap with him le lor. Hehehe.
So exciting!!!
But 1st, I have to meet tree trunk on the bus first!!! Alas, today 179 came in 3s, so I took the 2nd bus, and so if tree trunk was in the 1st or the 3rd bus, I won't get to meet him lor!
Exams starts next week. Doubt I will have the chance to "chance" upon him. (Then again, if he have papers on the same day as me...got chance! LOL~~~)
It's quite weird leh, seems that everytime when exams comes, I will get extremely lovesick and think of such things and go silly about it.
Or is it due to PMS? *wonders*
Oh, and I realise it seems that everytime a girl's menses are coming, the boyfriend will definitely get it. Why huh...why is it that we always hurt those who love us the most? I mean, you don't give crap to your friends, your parents, your siblings...you only give crap to the boyfriend.
And it happens to all girls. Jeez. Probably it's a test to see whether that boyfriend is husband material or not. (if he can stand your nonsense during PMS, he can stand anything! Hahaha!)
Anyway I'm getting out of point in this post. Haha. Damn fun getting carried away and digressing non-stop. :p
Go study!!
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 12:40 AM
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Very happie that I got past the last few weeks. But! Still, I have more "challenges" ahead! That is EXAMS!!!
And it starts next Wednesday. -_-
I just finished all my presentations yesterday! And I have quiz this Thursday and an FYP report due this Friday.
I don't understand why we can't have a study break, say 1 or 2 weeks for us to sit down and study properly?! This whole semester has been full of projects lor...HRM being the worst of the lot. When we finally get to breathe the exams start already. Where got time to study like that?!
Bleah~ I still think the whole system is so screwed up leh.
Anyway, I think this semester I'm rather blessed! Hahaha. Seems that in both my projects, the prof seems to like my group a lot! Hahaha. So good eh! :-P So in the end both presentations went ok! The HRM presentation was fine (as of previous post), the presentation yesterday for my web portal was fine too! Although our web portal isn't as "polished" as other groups (our search engine wasn't working well!!!), and we had lots of little loopholes here and there, but our prof seems to like us a lot lar! Hahaha...
Even without saying anything, when the 4 of us sent to the front, he smiled at us already! And we are like, the 6th or 7th group to present (I expected him to be bored by then...everyone presenting almost the same things mah!). And he look pleased when we went to the front, smiled, and went my group member introduced us, he just went "Your presentation is good, but I want to see what you have". Wah...even other groups he never bothered lor...hehehe.
Ok lar, so the presentation was okay, and of course, he started looking for loopholes in our programming and validation scripts. And we were supposed to sell our site to him mah...so the selling left it to the last speaker! I am soooo impressed by him lar! Haha...I think he is really an effective sales person...because half way his pitch, the prof started asking him "Hey do you do marketing or something...you talk like them." And then the prof started to pinpointing all his dislikes. And my last speaker was damn good! He's got a way to counter attack every negative statement the prof makes. I'm very impressed lor...because in the 1st place our portal isn't THAT wonderful. But he made it sound so good. LoL~~~
Anyway, after that my prof cannot tahan anymore...then he just go like, "You sell insurance issit!" Hahaha...damn funny. Maybe because he too persistent in emphasizing how wonderful our site is despite all the prof's critcisms. It was damn funny lar...me and the other group members were trying not to laugh. Well, I was, because I thought the "argument" between them is so funny! Hahaha. They were both arguing about the site non-stop man....haha.
In the end the prof looked super happy lor, then he sent us back to our seats. I think he also quite sian, so maybe we entertained him a lot lar. Hahaha. I think he likes us a lot! Coz every week he wants to check on our progress...and every week we had nothing to show because of some glitches. And so in the end he started to tell us life stories and how different the world is when we go out to work...blah blah blah....he's a very nice chap actually. Hehehe.
And anyway I think he likes my group because everyone in the group can present. Present doesn't mean just stand in front of the class and talk lor. Present meaning can talk in an engaging manner. All of us can present rather well I must say, of course we have a salesman (he really does sales lar...not insurance. LoL~) and then we have someone from toastmaster's (very good at presenting!) and someone who's an officer and I'm the slackest lor. Hahaha. My presentation skills ain't that wonderful, I still get jitters when I stand in front of the class. It always happens lar. But then I will think of what clement told me "think of your audience as small kids lor...like go to school and teach kids like that". Haha...that worked for me lor! Treat them like my sec school students can liao!!! Hahaha...
Ok lar I'm very lor soh. Time to go to sch!
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 9:34 AM
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It's been a tiring past few days with lots to do, so little time.
I had a good sleep on the weekend...little did I know it's because I had to slog through the night for the next 2 days.
Saturday I slept well. Sunday, I started compiling the report. And that was my downfall.
I don't know why am I so damn suay, in both projects, I have sleeping members. -_- And because the sleeping partner is this project did a slipshod work of his part (plagiarizing everywhere!), I had to redo everything. My friend and I did the most tedious parts, whereas another member just edited the last part.
Okie...so I could have slept earlier if not for the fact that I had to redo everything, and stupid MS Word freak on me by giving me a file that is 160MB in size and slowed down my whole entire computer system. So stupid!!!
Anyway, I did my presentation yesterday! Haha. It was considered successful since my group didn't kenna shot and we got through the whole thing relatively unscathed. This time the presentation was a financial plan and an investment talk. My friend was in charged of financial plan while the whole group had to do an investment talk, to "entice" my tutor to invest in our company.
Oh, but it's damn funny, because my friend mentioned that the class only got one "flower". And based on his friend's experience, his group got 2 pretty girls and the whole group got away unscathed too. LoL~ So that means if the group got pretty girl then the tutor is less likely to shoot that group lor. And so my friend told me I must be the "determining factor" as to whether we got shot. And since I'm the only one "flower" in class so nothing happened to us.
LOL~
As much as I like to think I'm pretty, but I also know I'm not. But I also know that I'm still better looking than the girls in my class. Hahaha. I even wore formal and put on makeup to school on the day of presentation okie. I never wear makeup to school usually because I can't be bothered...pimples and all. Haha.
But that's besides the point. I would rather it's because the tutor liked our presentation and all the things we have done, that's why he didn't shoot us. Or because we gave him what he wanted, that's why he didn't shoot us. But in any case, at least he didn't shoot us, didn't make our lives difficult, was good enough. The other 3 groups all got shot by him either in the 1st presentation or 2nd one...my group was the only one who didn't get it in both.
I still think we are very li hai!! Muahaha~
My skin is terrible these days. I'm suspecting EPO but it's weird because in the first place, EPO is supposed to help, not worsen my skin condition. Anyway I stopped EPO for quite some time and my skin looks like it's healing once more. Maybe I'm too sensitive to EPO? My mom can't take EPO too...hmmmm~~~
Anyway with all the stress I get these days, it's amazing I don't have major acne issues lar. It's all pimples that pops up in a group to irritate me for a while...and then they take turns. So I just have to sleep earlier and not stress so much lor.
Speaking about stress, I think those last few days really very scary lar! On Monday night I was struggling with my presentation slides when I got home...I simply couldn't move and I kept staring at the computer. And my heart was beating very very fast. And all the while I was MSN-ing my group mates that I think my heart is beating too fast liao. So weird...but my groupmates are nice people! They told me to relax...I can send him the slides as late as I want so don't have to rush. So it got better gradually...I managed to finish my slides, and with that done, I felt better to face the horrid report compiling. (I compiled for 2 whole days!!!)
Oh yah. We emailed Mediacorp about advertising stuffs. And they were so nice to help us, they even sent us a movie schedule on Ch U for this and next month. We were all joking that we can plan when to watch their movies liao lor! Haha...actually the TV schedules are for people to decide about advertising time slots and all that lar. Not so much for us to "aim" what movie to watch on TV. Haha...
I got selected for Starhub's iMode trial. Still thinking whether to take it because it's kind of a good deal. But thinking of switching service providers is giving me a headache. Plus I haven't fulfilled my 2 year contract. But the package offers are very cheap leh!! a mobile phone that can surf net is selling for 388! or 188 if trade-in! So good! And totally free use of mobile plans and the surf net plans till next year Feb. So good! Hahaha.
Very tempted sia...maybe I should just hold 2 phone lines and surf net until I shiok lor.
Then I no need to get PDA liao! Wahahaha!
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 11:54 PM
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Never say I love you
If you don't really care
Never talk of feelings
If they aren't really there
Never hold my hand
If you mean to break my heart
Never say forever
If you ever plan to part
Never look into my eyes
If you are telling me a lie
Never say hello
If you think you'll say goodbye
Never say that I'm THE one
If you dream of more than me
Never lock up my heart
If you don't have the key
My own:
Never say you love me
If you can't trust me
Never say I'll be your wife
When you can't trust me
Never open my heart
When you keep yours shut
Never say you want to communicate
When all you want is criticise me
Never promise to work things out
When you can't be bothered
Never insist you love me
When you can't wait to throw me aside
~ The End ~
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 1:41 PM
This is something I wrote the other day for Clement...haha. My little philosophy after being with him all these while. :)I don't know the issue of trust, because I have never learnt how to trust
properly. To trust unconditionally? Or to trust warily. To trust with love? Or
to trust naively. To trust because it liberates you? Or to trust because it is
required of you.
To trust unconditionally, is too scary in my opinion. You never know how the other may make use of that trust to do things, that may turn against you. You never know how the other takes in the view of your trust. Let's say if you trust unconditionally but all he/she thinks is that you are not, and doesn't cherish that trust you have given him/her, then in the end, all you have is just your own naivity for being to trusting.
To trust with love? Not really. Love doesn't equate trust, that I've learnt. Be it love between family members or love between couples. Even family members keep things from each other, not to mention couples, who were strangers when they met. Maybe love is not so great after all.
To trust because it liberates you? Maybe so. Maybe I needed someone to talk to, to share my feelings, to seek advice...that sort of thing. So I trusted someone to tell them my inner thoughts and my feelings, thinking that I could in return get some advice or maybe just understand myself better. Yup...such a trust is the least intimate of all, and it's something which everyone needs.
We all seek advices from day to day...sometimes without even our knowing. This kind of trust is innocent, not because it doesn't require any information to be kept (meaning the receiving end of the trust can jolly well relate the same information to someone else) but because information is given in the belief that it will exchange useful information. And this trust, I would like to believe, is the most harmless of all. Even if there are no exchange of useful information, it still liberates the truster, which is often, more than enough.
So much for the issue of trust. I think I still like to stick to the least intimate yet most liberating trust. Gee...that's what we call bitching. So what? Bitching about someone/something is also good. I would rather be a bitch than hide in 1 corner
and weep. Hahaha.
Oh, and I forgot to mention. There are times whereby people have their reasons not to trust. And that is probably during the time when people think of some stuffs which they feel can be directed at someone whom they can trust, yet they feel that it's sometimes best left unsaid. So it's a case like, I can't trust myself to trust you so I can't trust you with whatever I wish to tell you.
Isn't that like such a big dilemma? In my opinion, if you have to think so much about holding information before telling someone, I believe it's also better left unsaid. Better not say than to say already and suffer to repercussions. Hahaha.
Anyway even if there are repercussions, you can always go, "Hey, I trusted you enough to tell you and now you are doing this to me?!" Make the person giving out the repercussions guilty a bit lor. Then maybe he/she will stop handing out repercussions. Hahaha.
Just one of the few that I came up with over time. =)
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 2:04 AM
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And yes, I'm always up and down. And I feel like I have been up and down a lot of times this week. And no, although I'm always perky, I'm always not cute. And yes, I finally found out why I fell down twice that fateful rainy day. And I just want to finish my reports for my other projects. 加油，Jesslyn.You Are 30% Boyish and 70% Girlish
Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine.
You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you.
A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down.
But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.
I'm girlish huh. But most of my guy friends don't think so. How sad is that! Bleah.
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 9:57 AM
Yes. This is the FIRST TIME (and hopefully only time) that I'm going to use vulgarities on my blog.
So, it's not PG. DO NOT READ ON IF YOU DON'T LIKE VULGARITIES.
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I am fucking pissed with the fucking idiot in my fucking project group.
The fucking idiot is such a fucking asshole that I feel like getting a banana to fuck him upside down. (Because he's a guy!)
The fucking idiot is such a fucking irresponsible guy that he can refuse to inform ALL his groupmates before disappearing into his fucking world.
The fucking idiot is such a fucking dumbass because he goes missing ALL THE FUCKING TIME and then resurfaces later when he realises his grade is at risk.
The fucking idiot thinks he's so BIG just because he's a project manager who DISAPPEARS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
The fucking idiot now thinks he's so BIG just because he spent so much time (read: 2 days) on the project.
Please lor. Everyone else spent WEEKS on the project, reading up and learning. All he fucking has to do is to design stuffs and he can't even do a proper job.
And he is WHINING like a big fucking mouse just because he spent the whole night doing the project.
And he thinks he's so BIG by spending the whole night doing the project.
Wake up the fucking idea man.
If not for everyone else's effort, nothing would have gotten done AT ALL...
I am majorly pissed.
And I am seriously going to consider stop being friends with him after this. I HATE HIM.
Yuck.
Why do such people exist on earth?
I know. To make you appreciate the others who are not as FUCKED-UP.
Simple as that.
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 1:30 AM
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Feeling a bit down today, because my computer has died.
Yup, it has officially died because it refuses to wake up no matter how I try to feed electricity into it. Jeez!
I'm lucky, because I still have a lappie.
I'm lucky, because I reformatted my lappie before the comp crashed.
I'm lucky, because I did my project on my lappie rather than my comp.
I'm lucky, because I just met my FYP prof to show him all my research stuffs.
I'm lucky, because for Monday's presentation I will have something to show at least.
But!
I'm not so lucky, because my comp has died for the umpteenth time this year.
I'm not so lucky, because this is a brand new 6 months old comp and it still dies.
I'm not so lucky, because whenever the comp dies, I'm the one in charge of repairing it.
I'm not so lucky, because clement doesn't have a single idea on how to help me fix the comp.
I'm not so lucky, because I still need my computer to do FYP along with all the other stuffs.
I'm not so lucky, because I have 2 reports due to 2 and 3 weeks time.
I'm not so lucky, because I foresee I'm gonna spend time fixing the stupid comp again.
Yikes!!!!!
I need someone to share my tasks with me, because I cannot finish it! I need time!
Time, where thou art you?
I'm typing gibberish because I'm too traumatised as of now to think coherently.
I think I will break down one of these days with all these crap coming around me. Yucks.
Bleah!
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 3:08 PM
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I want to get myself a PDA so that I can listen MP3s on my way to school, play Simcity on it, read e-books and best of all, I can surf net around school anytime I want.
That includes times whereby I forget to bring my lecture notes, need to check my email, need to entertain myself, so on and so forth.
Gee...so my PDA must have mediaplayer and Wi-Fi. Bluetooth is an added bonus, I think most PDAs come with bluetooth rather than Wi-Fi.
Hehe. So I need moolah! But I don't have any source of income and so that makes it difficult.
Ah well. Maybe I will tio toto or 4D or something. Or wait! I once dreamt I picked some money up. I hope the dream comes true. Wahahaha~
Okie lar, I'm blogging here instead of doing proper work because I'm very fed-up with IIS and the what-nots. Been trying to install IIS and since I did, it cannot run ASP server scripts which is extremely irritating.
And no matter how many webbies I throng through online I can't seem to find a method that works. So either I use my friend's computer (send him all my codes), or else I reformat my lappie.
And I definitely won't reformat my lappie because I have too much junk that I want to keep. Haha. Junk and yet I still want to keep man...I am totally bo liao. In it I have the whole series of Meteor Garden, an episode of the Ru Hua (Jacky Wu's variety show) and some movies which I haven't watched. Haha. And I have so many mp3s that are obselete already! Gee...cannot make it lar....I definitely don't want to delete it lor.
Okay back to the thing about moolah. I need moolah!!!!
And I am sounding so money-faced.
Hahaha. Maybe I will start with auctioning my stuffs off 1st.
If that works, then I got moolah already I will be happy. Teeheehee~
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 11:26 AM
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