It's quite funny, sometimes once in a while I will get a bit nostalgic and then think of all the past stuff that happened. The boy is right about me...I always like to remember the past and especially, the unpleasant unhappy past. Labels: dreams, my life, rants, relationships
This has been pretty difficult for him because he always have to bear the brunt of all my wonderful memory of unpleasantries. Best of all is that I tend to remind him, time and again. And especially whenI'm not happy with him I will definitely remind him. This is not healthy, but I have been trying to control so much already but still to no avail. It has decreased a lot but still, I tend to remind him time and again.
Sometimes I wonder why am I such a person. I feel like I'm this totally horrid person when I'm around him. Which sucks, because I don't want to be a horrible person. I want to have a nice, happy relationship, I want to feel happy about being together with him and I want to feel happy about our future together. However everytime I want to do that, something will always hold me back. Like I want to appreciate him for being so sweet, then the "evil" part of me will step in and say, "he should be doing that! He let you down so badly in the past". So on and so forth.
And sometimes I feel totally negative about getting hitched. Like why he didn't want to get hitched earlier. Why he want to wait until so old. Why he didn't spare more thought for my feelings when he said all those hurtful words. Why why why? I also have no idea.
Anyway I have been through all these with him many many times, I think he should be hurt until numbed or something. I feel like the "evil" part of me is doing her utmost best to hurt him back, just like the way how he hurt me in the past.
I'm this kind of dilemma-ish until I also cannot tahan myself. -_-!!
Being in a relationship should be bringing out the best in both of you right? However I feel like I'm at my very worst when I am with him. Grrrr. How ah. How to change that cynical part of me into non-cynical again?!
Even like this evening while I was on the bus home and I was feeling totally negative, like being in a relationship for so long then no point getting hitched, because everything is still the same right? Anyway I have always felt that an ideal time to settle down is after being bfgf for 3 years. I think 3 years is the magic time line la. Anything more than that is too long. Anything less is too short. So I have always held this 3 year deadline in high regard.
Anyway to make the long story short, the 3 year mark came and I was still stuck in the relationship with no result. Ask him, he also cannot give me any answer. That marked the most frustrating period and really down period of my life.
And he did that not once, but twice to me.
2nd time round I was almost ready to leave. Almost. If not for the fact that we got to attend a friend's wedding together, I would have probably left him there and then.
Anyway I always felt like being taken for a ride. Which makes it very frustrating.
Fast forward to 2008. We actually managed to successfully ballot for the house. Which is a good thing if we are happy in love. But we were not.
Or to say, I am not.
I don't know when I ever will be. Always felt like he's been taking his own sweet time in regards to matters like this. If I never go and "blow" him, he probably won't bother with anything at all. -_-!!!
And I always feel like what's keeping us together is just the house and nothing more. It's scary to think like that because now the house has become our focal point of staying together, rather than the fact that we are in love, we understand each other and we want to be together.
He doesn't understand why I am still so negative, in fact he feels like he has done a lot for me, for this relationship. But I think he doesn't know what I truly want. I want him to come to me on his own accord, to actually show that he did give some thought into everything. I feel like now I'm still the controller, doing stuff...hinting him on...guiding him on.
I'm so tired of it all. And sometimes I just wonder if it's okay if I just give it up. I don't wish to battle within myself anymore. That feeling sucks. And everytime I look at him I really don't know what to do. I have the angel and the devil fighting inside me. And I am irritated by the fights going on until I just want to ignore them.
I think the problem arose because we were both heading in different directions. I looked upon the relationship as a means to an end. He looked at the relationship not to have an end. Just a mean. Maybe in the first place we both had our problems but were oblivious to it.
I know he will be a good husband, because he's already a very good boyfriend. I just need to get over this mental block of mine. I don't know how am I going to because the devil inside me is stick-in-the-mud and refusing to let the angel reason.
And here I am, still fighting a huge fight within myself. Which he cannot understand. He probably just think that I'm the one who insist on dwelling on it (which is not), and he has already given up trying to fight that devil. But I need his help badly...if only he knew. :(
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 8:32 PM
Yikes! I think I have gained a lot of weight recently, especially ever since I started working. It's on a steady growth...and it is super gross. I think in no time I will hit 60kg soon la... :( Labels: marriage, my life, relationships
Anyway, I plan to lose weight!!! I shall engage all forms of remedies known to man. That includes exercising I guess, if I have the mood. Hahaha. But for now I'm relying on green tea to increase my metabolism and cutting down on morning/afternoon snacks. Today, my Malay colleagues brought a lot of goodies from their Hari Raya!! Omg I ate a lot even though I claim to "pu zhua" (heatiness) and try to avoid all offers.
In the end I succumbed to 3 very cute butter cookies and a pineapple tart!
I've been wanting to blog for quite some time, but never really found the time for it. Like everytime I come across something, I will think that I am going to blog about it, but then after a while I forget already. So this will continue on until one fine day (like today) I'm home early and in front of the computer, and suddenly have a thought to write some gibberish down.
And so today we went out for lunch to treat a colleague whose last day of work is today. It suddenly then hit me that I have been with this company for more than a year, seen so many people come and go, but I'm still at the same place, haven't moved at all. Another colleague of mine also left last month, and I was quite sad because I really like him and respect the way he works, it's hard to find people who are responsible, swift-acting and nice to chit-chat with.
Indeed, sometimes colleagues are really just colleagues, it's better to draw the line there and not try to be friends, because as friends there are just too many things you gotta give and take. It's easier to be "mean" when they just remain as colleagues, if you know what I mean.
Work is depressing these days. I am also depressed. Oh, change that. I'm on sudden highs these days. Like 1 day I'm so inspired to work and I feel like I can put in more than the 100%, and then there are days whereby everything just seems to move so so slowly including my own pace of work. And then there are days I'm just physically there but not mentally prepared to face all the "nonsense" that is the daily output from "work".
Sometimes I thought of going back to study, like get a Master's or something. Thinking about it, it's quite tough because of the money issue. If I'm going to get married then probably need to save up for that. I'm still paying my uni debts as well, so it's going to take some time before I can even think about studying.
I'm still harbouring thoughts of changing industry if I get the chance!!
Nowadays, I'm spending more time with the boy, I guess it's because we work relatively near each other and meeting up is far more convenient. However, something is different. I cannot pinpoint it, but then, it feels that our relationship is no longer the same.
I did broach the idea of getting hitched earlier, like next year, and he was rather keen. But then again after weighing all the pros and cons, and the cons outweigh the pros, so the hitching idea was put on back burner. I think it is for the best, because in this current state and mentality of mine, I'm totally not ready in getting hitched.
I even suggested to him that we should just hold our wedding in a foodcourt...everyone can choose what they like to eat. Haha. Since wedding dinners are always overpriced, food not spectacular, so why not. And it's definitely within budget. Heh.
Anyway, just talk for fun. The wedding's not gonna materialise in the near future. So we have all the time in the world to plan for a budgetary wedding. Hahaha. Just like me, I like everything simple, short and sweet. Minus the sweet, still got simple and short. Aiya...good enough also. Hahaha. I am the "sweet" lor.
By the way, the Pinnacle@duxton is up for grabs!!! But oh dear, whoever buys the flat will really pay through their noses for the installment...monthly repayment for a 450k flat is no joke. It will really cost you 1-2k even on a 30 years loan. So it's gonna be tough man!!!
Stunningly Gorgeous Y 9:56 PM
